So my Mom and I have a very open relationship. I tell her everything and I used to think she did too. Her and my father divorced about a year ago and our bond got even closer because I could tell her things and I knew she would not tell my dad. But lately like since summer of last year I have begin sensing that she is hiding quite a bit. Like she told me she was going to Vegas with her friend from work who I have known for years but she really went with a boyfriend and when I called her out said she had just forgot he was going too. She has done several things like this lately and ever forgot about my sister and I once because she was out with some guy. I am very against the use of drugs and alcohol. Even cigarettes disgust me. My mom helped me get a petition into my school to help get rid of smoking and now I am sure she smokes. When ever I get into her car, I smell it and it makes it hard to breathe. Her clothes always smell like cigarettes and she always goes on these long walks that my sister and I are not allowed to go on with her. It is not like she does not get alone time, we are only at her house 3 days a week. My mom also drinks a lot and goes out with guys she barley knows. It worries me especially because she drives too. I know she is not past legal limit or anything but it is still scary. The smoking thing bothers me more then anything because I am so strongly against it and I thought she was with me. I know that she does because I went through her purse while she was in the shower and she had a carton with 6 cigs in it then after she took a walk only had 5 and smelled like smoke. I have asked her before and she says that I am crazy and she is not but I know she is. What should I say to tell her that I care and am really concerned about her health. I am only 15 so I do not want to seem like I am telling her what to do but I would like her to know that I am really hurt by her lies and decisions.
Chosen Answer:
As soon as you said your mom was hiding her habits from you, and lying, I was certain that eventually you would tell us that she drinks, and sure enough, there it was.
Everything you described about your moms behaviours, and choices is typical behaviour of an addict.
I am not saying she’s addicted to anything in particular (like drugs)
Addiction comes in many forms these days, so it could be anything.
For sure your mom is hooked on cigarettes, and I strongly suspect your mom is also an alcoholic.
So where does that put you in all of this?
Since you are age 15, that makes you the dependant child of a potential alcoholic, and that’s not a great position to be in.
There’s not much you can do to get your mom to stop making any of her bad choices. Only she can make the right decisions, and it’s only she who can prevent herself from making the bad ones too.
The only thing you have control over is the choices YOU make.
One of the things you are doing that won’t help you much, but will do you harm in the long run is policing your mom.
Going into her purse, and counting her cigarettes isn’t going to contribute one bit to her stopping smoking.
I know you need to find out the truth when all you get are lies from your mom. But if you think about it, you know your mom well enough to know when she’s lying to you. You don’t have to go rooting through her purse to prove what you already know is the truth, so stop doing that.
Do you want to know why your mom hides this stuff from you, and why she lies?
It’s because she’s actually ashamed of her behaviour,and she doesn’t know how to change it. She has fooled herself into believing that she is fooling you, and that by hiding the truth from you she is preserving her status as a good role model for you.
So here are a few do’s and don’ts that I would like to recommend to you, and I hope will help you learn to cope with this situation.
Do: Tell her you love her, and care for her health. She may not quit the instant you say it, but don’t give up on bringing her that message. She hears you even though she may not always act like she does.
Don’t: Track her behaviour, confront her, police her, or judge her bad behaviour. That kind of behaviour from you will only bring shame upon her, and invite arguments, and that will just stress the both of you out and make you both nuts.
Do: Look out for yourself. Especially if her bad choices get worse to the point that it affects your safety and well being. I am not just talking about exposure to second hand smoke here, although that is bad enough. No I am talking about things that may not have happened yet, but might if your mom doesn’t get herself into treatment soon enough.
Don’t stay silent about this. One of the things that will enable your mom to continue with escalating bad behaviours is if you don’t speak up for yourself to the other adults in your life, like your dad, aunts uncles, grandparents of other friends or family members.
There’s no need for you to endure this all by yourself, so share your concerns with people who you know you can trust, and will help.